When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
____________________________________________
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
Monday, January 28, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Long But Funny
A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!
The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"
The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."
The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"
The man replied, "I don't have one officer."
"Of course you do," said the policeman.
"No sir, I don't," said the man.
"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.
"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.
"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.
"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"
Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."
The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."
"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.
"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"
"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."
"WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"
"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.
"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe."
So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"
He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.
"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.
"I'll be right there," said the chief.
In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.
The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"
"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.
Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.
The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.
"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.
"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."
"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."
"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.
"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."
"Yes," said the man,
"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.
"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"
"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."
"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding to!"
The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"
The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."
The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"
The man replied, "I don't have one officer."
"Of course you do," said the policeman.
"No sir, I don't," said the man.
"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.
"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.
"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.
"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"
Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."
The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."
"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.
"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"
"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."
"WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"
"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.
"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe."
So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"
He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.
"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.
"I'll be right there," said the chief.
In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.
The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"
"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.
Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.
The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.
"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.
"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."
"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."
"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.
"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."
"Yes," said the man,
"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.
"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"
"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."
"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding to!"
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